SALMON DAVE - "SOLE MAN"                              (DE MEUR/DOWIE)

(written for "The Right Time - Radio 4)

1.

 BACKGROUND MUSIC: SOUL PASTICHE. SCHMALTZY STUFF CUTTING TO UP-BEAT JAMES BROWN MALARKEY.

 V/O (RONNIE G): You’re listening to W.H.E.L.K. with SALMON DAVE, the sole man. That’s right – RADIO WHELK – you’re welcome to it. I wanna tell you about my brand-new fish sole collection: “With a Little Whelk From My Friends”. Featuring: Pike & Tuna Turner – “Monkfish City Limits”. Sting-Ray Charles, “Hit the Road Mackerel”. Minnow Ripperton. The Dolphinics. Perch E. Sledge. Joe Cockle. Get down with the Cod Father of Soul – James Prawn. MC Hammerhead Shark and “You Can’t Touch Dace”. Otis Red-Herring. “Sitting on Haddock of the Bay”. Marlin Gaye: “A Bream, Martin & John”. And who could forget Sardine Taylor, “I Gotta Sea-Bass”. Have a whale of a time with With A Little Whelk From My Friends. Salmon Dave. Sole man. Eel catch you hook, line & sinker. Send your money C.O.D. Don’t be shellfish. Rise to the bait. Phone toll-free. If you don’t – you’ll be gutted.

2.

BACKGROUND MUSIC:TINNY FUNK WITH OCEAN SOUNDS.

V/O (RONNIE G): You’re listening to W.H.E.L.K. with SALMON DAVE, the sole man. That’s right – the welcoming sound of RADIO WHELK. If you loved the Salmon Dave Fish Soul Collection, “With a Little Whelk From My Friends”, then let me reel you in with the ultimate party-hits Codswalloping Collection, “With a Little Kelp From My Friends.” Featuring: Nancy Finatra, “These Boots Were Made For Whelkin’”; Paul McCarpney, “Mullet of Kintyre”; Smokey Arbroath Robinson & The Mackerals, “Tears of a Clown. Fish.” New Wave Sounds from Squid Viscious, “I Did It My Whale”; the Sex Fishtols, “Anchovy in The UK”, “The Boomtown Spratts: “I Don’t Like Lampreys”; Stiff Little Fishfingers. Shrimple Minds. Ringo Starfish. And who could forget the Tenchtown sound of Cod Marley & The Whalers with, “No Woman, No Cray”. But me no halibut: Don’t Be A Blue Oyster Cult. With a Little Kelp From My Friends. Get it to-dace.

3.

BACKGROUND MUSIC: HORRIBLE

V/O (RONNIE G): You’re listening to W.H.E.L.K. with SALMON DAVE, the sole man. RADIO WHELK – welcoming you in with a winkle & a wave – if you loved the Salmon Dave codswalloping collection, “With A Little Kelp From My Friends”, then you’ll love, “With a Little Insert Fish Pun Here From My Friends. Volume 380: The 60s and beyond” Featuring, Shirley Bassey & “GoldFishFinger”; “The Byrds-Eye with “Skate Miles High” & “Hey Mr Tambourine Man-Eating Shark” I can’t go on with this. I’m sorry. I can’t do any more of these fish jokes.

CAST (IN BACKGROUND): “Oh dear.” “Here we go.” “So unprofessional”. Etc.

PRODUCER (ON FOLDBACK): Ronnie…

RONNIE: I’m sick of it. I’m sick of this American accent. I can’t sleep. I’ve lost all my friends. I can’t get laid. I’m in bed with a woman. All I can think of is fish.

PRODUCER ON FOLDBACK: Its finny. I mean funny.

RONNIE: I don’t need this. I was the voice-over for the dog in the British Airways ad. On tv. (IN DOG BROGUE): “Where is everybody”. That was me. I did that. I’m still getting cheques for it.

1^ST ACTOR/ACTRESS: What were you paid? Scale?

2^ND ACTOR/ACTRESS: How did they shoot it? With a fish-eye lens?

RONNIE: Oh go on, go on. Enjoy yourself. Kick a man when he’s down.

2^ND ACTOR/ACTRESS: You’re not down. You’re floundering.

1^ST ACTOR/ACTRESS: Did he say ‘kick a man’ or ‘kipper man’?

RONNIE: That’s it. I’m off. Where did I leave my bike?

2^ND ACTOR/ACTRESS: Did he say ‘bike’ or ‘pike’?

3^RD ACTOR/ACTRESS: And so, as a sobbing Ronnie Golden is led helplessly away from the mike, remember this: Fish puns: They’re not big; they’re not funny; they’re not clever.

1^st ACTOR/ACTRESS: Oh yes. You think you can handle them at first. But fish puns are a slippery slope. One fin leads to another and before you know it you’re hooked.